| birthday |
[18 Jan 2004|08:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crappy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
superdrag- sucked out |
] |
i cant stand these things...but since im on vacation i wanna bitch...you know what the best part of a persons birthday is? when no one calls him.
|
|
| woohoo |
[18 Oct 2002|02:04am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
artistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
lounge music |
] |
im at kinkos its fun escalators are fun and lounge music is fun. good times good times. been an odd week if you ask me. old friends have been new, and lost have been found. odd. i still find myself questioning certain situations though. oh well. new things in my life have been.....interesting. to say the least.
|
|
| so........... |
[23 Sep 2002|03:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 aggravated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
get up kids- worst idea |
] |
so anyways i found out my supposed friends like to lie. not even little ones but huge lies that can hurt people. fuck them. this situation should have never reached this, its between two people not a hundred. fucking grow up this isnt high school and im not the bad guy.
|
|
| blah |
[19 Sep 2002|01:54am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
annoyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the sound of my slow death |
] |
things go wrong, i fix them, they go more wrong.........no one notices me about to snap. they only bring it up when my circumstance inconveniences them. im not allowed to vent. my problems are no worse than anyone else, but theyre my problems and yes i have to deal witht htem more and more every day. blah. im tired of being angry.
|
|
| la dee dah |
[14 Sep 2002|01:12am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
squad five o- we rule the night |
] |
im at bongeys, hes gone right now. brad and i went to the buzz tonight, it was a good time. today wasnt too bad, ive had worse. im so bored right now i love it. ive been getting alot more alone time lately. thats a good thing cuz my lack of time had been killing me. things are slowly getting better. slowly. a few days ago i was forced to face the fact that im full of words but no actions. and it hurt so bad to realize what ive been doing these past few weeks, and who ive been doing it to. now apologies are useless. words mean nothing. i mistook caring for criticism and lashed out. now im in a big mess. im always in a big mess. im tired of getting into messes. today i was actually good to people, y'know? i realized i can be a prick so i decided to just enjoy people and found it quite odd, yet good. i miss the old me. my generally good disposition turned to cynicism. i used to be funny negative but then i turned all bad negative. im talking to ashley right now. lately, since i got a lil car again, ive been reminiscing the good ol days. me and bongey have been remembering when it all started. we were on top of the world, but then the world flipped. well now im taking that fucker and stompin it under my feet because it took alot from me. and it changed me sooooo much that i couldnt see it until i had someone shove reality in my face. then i shoved it back, and in turn did some very stupid things. BLAH i hate myself sometimes. but the past is the past. two septembers ago i started the most amazing times of my life, and this month im going back to the good ol days. today i felt it. im not loosing it. no more cynicism. none. lifes too short. im too tired. i love you all.
|
|
| blah |
[11 Sep 2002|01:15am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
OAR- wild game of poker |
] |
saw episode two again tonight, blah none of it matters. ever had a scab? and you know better than to pick at it, because scabs are there to help, and all you do i fool with it until it busts off and you bleed for hours and wish and pray itd grow back? damn i hate my life sometimes. ok so........tommorows gonna suck big time, ill just be sitting by the phone, keeping my hands from touching the keypad, wishing it would ring. wishing tonight would have never happened. wishing i werent at work with hours to let my thoughts kill me slowly. i hate it. blah.
|
|
| hmmm |
[08 Sep 2002|01:26am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
juliana theory |
] |
ok so im realizing that people think im a liar and my words are constantly twisted around. im suprised at who beleives me and who doesnt. oh well. tonight was dull. and i wanted to explode. and no one was in a good mood at all. we took kids to the buzz, and i knew theyd hate it, but i didnt say anything. i love the buzz when its a small group, but big groups are annoying. tonights especially. oh well. im gonna just go to work tommorow and then go to the show, im not even gonna contact the usual people, im taking a day to myself. which, by the way i got a guilt trip tonight for taking time to myself apparently im "isolating myself" now that i got a car. hehe. well in a way i am. i have every right to. so HA! theres so many things on my mind and i cant tell anyone. not a soul. things i wander how long will take to snap me and force me into telling people. but for now the thoughts are in my head alone, not thoughts, emotions. feelings. one day ill let them out, but for now all they would do is hurt me. im done being shitty night night.
|
|
| arg |
[07 Sep 2002|03:22am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
bitchy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
fuck music |
] |
i hate it when i make a mistake, then only make things worse by trying to fix it. i cant apologize for things ive done, apologies are useless in this world, i can only try to be better. but no one can change overnight. and i find myself only hurting one person, which kills me because frankly its the last person id want to hurt. ever. i have so many feelings running through my head all the time, and the negative is all that gets pushed out. i hold the positive in, afraid of peoples reactions. i realize i can be totally selfish and pig headed, most people just pass it off as me being human, but its hurting too many people. for the last 3 months ive had to accomadate every waking hour to other peoples needs, so no, im not sorry if i get mad when things dont go by plan. im not. it seemed like i had to fight for my free time, which is ridiculous. now im hoping ill get this all out of my system and move on. im done hurting people, im done being myself then i suppose. now if youll excuse me im going to go act like im sleeping. fuck thinking.
|
|
| my soul brings tears to angelic eyes |
[27 Jul 2002|03:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lazy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
AFI- God called in sick today |
] |
last night was a roller coaster ride and a half. have you ever known a problem and just not been able to get past it? well last night was one of those nights, and it ended great. so im happy. yes i am. i got past some things that had been really bothering me. and i got closer to someone i feared i would distance. thats all folks.
|
|
| yo yo yo |
[25 Jul 2002|11:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crazy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
atdi- one armed scissor |
] |
so yea hung out with same people tonight, watched a movie, got into a huge fight and realized im a moron, tings are better now. thats all for now folks.
|
|
| quick note |
[22 Jul 2002|03:48am] |
|
hi. im at bongeys, i just got done ridding the world of mutant worm beasts. thats right, im a hero. not really. today rocked out as usual. im starting to enjoy life soooooooo much. thanks everyone whos been by my side lately, your support will never be forgotten.
|
|
| hmmmm |
[20 Jul 2002|05:45am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
thoughtful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
get up kids- out of reach |
] |
so, tonight was actually not too bad. i was forced to confront something i wasnt ready to confront, but i found it way too much not to. i felt like if it wasnt pushed out that it would only cause trouble in the long run. i cant say im happy about the end result, but i retained something far more important than any selfish desire. if any of you know what im talking about, cool. if not, oh well. im not pissed at all, and i think ive figured things out. im not saying ill wake up tommorow and forget certain feelings, but i know after tonight some things are just more important. i gotta go.
|
|
| the burg |
[19 Jul 2002|05:25am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
HIM- love you like i do |
] |
yea, we got bored, me bongey and mike, so we drove around and met some cool guy named brad working at the speedway. then we drove to burg and walked around, we went to madairies and bought "kentuckys best" smokes and 2 liters of dr pecker red for 44 cents. yes then beava got a suprise. what a good night, this week has rocked, rocked hard, speaking of rock hard, i had the unstoppable boner today IT WOULD NOT GO AWAY DAMMIT. hehe well byeeeeeee for now.
|
|
| fun fun |
[16 Jul 2002|03:57am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
peaceful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
guns and roses- sweet child o mine |
] |
once again a fun night involving police, ghosts, and friends. alexa and i had a good talk, imagine that. i love talking to her, shes so beautifully poetic. sometimes i wish she wouldnt talk, then maybe i wouldnt be trapped in her world so much. how can you get over someone when everything they do melts you? answer that and stay fashionable fuckers. so yea, im gonna eat food that bongeys has so graciously offered me, then i guess go to mikes cuz we gotta job hunt tommorow. oh yea i get to see landon tommorow! yes!
|
|
| fun |
[13 Jul 2002|05:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
brand new- seventy times seven |
] |
ok so anyways I HAD A BLAST LAST NIGHT chillin with my freinds. its the first time in a long time ive felt totally alive. it was great. so anyways heres a few things ive concluded.......
1- sXe is going down
2- its about time i learned patience
3- kids who drink their lives away are morons who get jealous when someone they know doesnt hang out with them, so they leave stupid messages on their phones, and they need to GROW THE FUCK UP and realize drama should stay in high school, but i guess then again thats all one can expect from white trash. not to drop any names MILFORD ahem ahem
4- hardcore dancing is a lame attempt to gain attention and apparently work out a grudge with the ground GO FUCK YOURSELVES HARDCORE KIDS
|
|
| quickie |
[11 Jul 2002|03:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
hemroidic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
misfits- attitiude |
] |
im at bongeys waiting for the mail cuz i am a patient boy i wait i wait i wait. yea band practice is tonight, things are starting to work out, cept my fucking left leg is rotting off dammit.
|
|
| cornerstone part FIVE |
[29 Jun 2002|03:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
new foudn glory- come back bon jovi |
] |
yes, tonight i drive to my fifth cornerstone. its gonna rock. ill have a week to truly have fun and think out alot of shit i need to think out. last night was fun. just alot of getting into trouble as usual. im so happy about cornerstone. theres just one more thing i gotta do before i go............it may not happen, but i have all day to work on it. so i dunno. maybe i should let it drop, maybe thats the best thing for me. i dunno. im so not awake right now, i think i may go now, yes, i may.
|
|
| yo |
[28 Jun 2002|01:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
eminem- without me |
] |
so ill make this quick. im at bongeys. hes upstairs.....occupied. hehe. im gonna bum around today. hopefully i can find someone to accompany me back to dayton tonight. oh man the other night i had the best conversation in my entire life. it was great. a memory ill never forget. later all.
|
|
| leaving |
[21 Jun 2002|10:17am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
brand new- seventy times seven |
] |
so, im leaving in apporxamatly two hours. thats right, im moving back to the nati.......stay tuned, be prepared..........i got a few things to take care of.........i hope youre not one of them..............end transmission.
|
|
| box car racer- letters to God |
[20 Jun 2002|10:20pm] |
|
tommorow i move. im not sure how i feel. i know that sounds like a dumb question, but i speak the truth. im a huge bundle of emotions....joy, fear, nervousness. im so happy that im finally leaving here, its great. in less thatn 48 hours ill be home with friends. but im scared of goodbyes. ill say goodbye to my mom, she'll cry, i'll cry. i'll think of some witty thign to say under the tears,and we'll hug. then dad, izzy, and i will drive all day northeast. izzy will be hard. i'll try soooo hard to be strong, but i'll cry. ive been around him nonstop since the day he was born. its hard to beleive he's seven now. dad and i will have a little talk about things, he'll tell me how proud he is, i'll say thanks. we'll hug, i'll cry. then i'll be on my own. for the first time in my twenty years on this planet, ill be truly alone. that alone is enough to make me sick. i'll be ok. i just never thought doing the right thing would be so hard. i also never thought things would go this way. in a perfect world my van would not break down. alexa would have flown in today. tommorow shed be in my passenger seat laughing at my dumb jokes and at how i sing so out of key to the radio. that was the plan. we'd stop by all the goofy places on the billboards in missouri. id take her to the town i grew up in, squeezing her hand as i look at an old worn out house full of my memories. but this isnt a perfect world. in fact, we havent talked in a week. its odd....we were never "together." and all we had existed over the phone and one brief, amazing weekend. somehow in that time a good thing got blown way out of proportion. and then it ended. i wont lie, i wont say im not hurting right now. but im better than before. alot better. its not the fact that she left so much as the why. through all of that i learned a valuable lesson...patience. and its so ironic that i put aside my "now" mentality only to have my reason walk away. thats what hurts. if you know me, you know im hurt by things i dont understand. and i will continue to dwell upon it until you slap me. then ill tell you to get in my shoes. im such a sometimes. maybe ill figure out why this all happened, maybe i wont. i could die without ever knowing or wake up tommorow and have the answer right infront of me. thats what keeps me going, the thought that tommorow i may figure it all out. life is a giant jigsaw puzzle. you devote so much of yourself to getting a section done, then you cant find the last piece. you spend what seeme like forever looking for it only to conclude it never existed, its lost. so you move on. then an eternity late youre working on a new section when that old piece shows up right infront of you. and you have to go back to somethign you forced yourself to forget. thats where im at now, im starting a new section. im tired of looking, im tired of finding something to take the blame.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
thedeviousone's journal